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Jun. 8th, 2003 01:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quidditchgrrlI was simultaneously reading some decent H/G (on Sink Into Your Eyes) and doing the Pumpkin Pie chat last night.
I believe in firmly straddling the shipping lines, that way I'll be right no matter what JKR does. :-D Not that I think she'll venture far enough into pairing the characters up to make it worthwhile or anything, but it's nice to speculate.
In the chat, we touched on a bit of a sore point with me - the reasoning that there 'are no good men out there'. I totally understand where![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
angiej is coming from; she has a lot of cultural factors which impede her search for a good man exponentially.
It really annoys me when married women (and who, by and large, let me know that even though I've lived with Honeybunch for nearly 5 years, I know nothing about being married) rag on their husbands for not helping around the house, for not looking after the kids, what have you. And as I explain this, I'm not looking to place the burden completely on the woman's shoulders, but I think that women have to stand up for themselves, let go of the idea of parenting a spouse, and demand respect.
Seems that when a relationship gets to a domestic level (whether you get married or just move in together), women tend to completely take over the day-to-day upkeep of the house, and push the SO away from doing any work. He offers to help with straightening up; she tells him, "oh no honey, I can handle it," and he is sent back to the living room. He does the laundry; she takes him to task for not folding the towels correctly. He cleans the kitchen; she runs behind him and does it again, her way. Every time this happens, the guy feels rejected - his efforts are just not enough, or worse, portrayed as a hindrance instead of a help.
So he quits doing those things, and gets used to the idea of not doing. The cycle above is repeated with the kids - diaper changes, feedings, bathing, etc. - and he is again relegated to the couch. The woman sees this unwillingness to help and becomes resentful and snide. The cycle reinforces itself.
I am constantly told how lucky I am that Honeybunch does all the things he does - cleaning, laundry, mopping - and that 'guys like that are hard to find.' I agree. He was assertive enough to tell me that he wanted to help, and to get resentful right away when I started to mother him. Took us to an entirely new level of trust and respect, he did.
Both of us are committed to respecting the other person's wishes and helping each other out. If I really want Honeybunch to help me with the yardwork (something he abhors), he'll do it. And I'll mop the floors (my hated chore) if he's been working too many hours. If I ask him to do something, he does it, and vice versa. It amazes me when I hear of a husband ignoring his wife's request that he mow the grass or help with the kids - that's disrespect. No one should have to settle for that.
It took a lot of work for me to let go of the reins, I'll tell you. To let him fold the washcloths his way and to refrain from re-sweeping the kitchen before he mopped. Now though, it's much easier, and we can accept each other's faults more readily. He knows that I am never going to take my dishes straight to the dishwasher when I'm done eating; I know he'll never be the one to put the TP on the roll. We can live with those quirks. That's not to say I don't grumble when he won't help me in the yard or that he doesn't get upset when I forget to switch the clothes into the dryer, but we deal.
Last night during the chat, Honeybunch made dinner (he's very much the kind of guy whose only culinary speciality is the phone) - frozen veal patties and some Pasta-Roni. He was so proud, and I was grateful (since I didn't want to quit the chat to make dinner, although I was hungry and it was late). Today I'll make dinner - roast chicken - and he'll heap the same praise on me that I gave him last night.
So, what do you think? Do you all think I'm just lucky, or that good relationships don't just grow on trees?
I believe in firmly straddling the shipping lines, that way I'll be right no matter what JKR does. :-D Not that I think she'll venture far enough into pairing the characters up to make it worthwhile or anything, but it's nice to speculate.
In the chat, we touched on a bit of a sore point with me - the reasoning that there 'are no good men out there'. I totally understand where
angiej is coming from; she has a lot of cultural factors which impede her search for a good man exponentially.It really annoys me when married women (and who, by and large, let me know that even though I've lived with Honeybunch for nearly 5 years, I know nothing about being married) rag on their husbands for not helping around the house, for not looking after the kids, what have you. And as I explain this, I'm not looking to place the burden completely on the woman's shoulders, but I think that women have to stand up for themselves, let go of the idea of parenting a spouse, and demand respect.
Seems that when a relationship gets to a domestic level (whether you get married or just move in together), women tend to completely take over the day-to-day upkeep of the house, and push the SO away from doing any work. He offers to help with straightening up; she tells him, "oh no honey, I can handle it," and he is sent back to the living room. He does the laundry; she takes him to task for not folding the towels correctly. He cleans the kitchen; she runs behind him and does it again, her way. Every time this happens, the guy feels rejected - his efforts are just not enough, or worse, portrayed as a hindrance instead of a help.
So he quits doing those things, and gets used to the idea of not doing. The cycle above is repeated with the kids - diaper changes, feedings, bathing, etc. - and he is again relegated to the couch. The woman sees this unwillingness to help and becomes resentful and snide. The cycle reinforces itself.
I am constantly told how lucky I am that Honeybunch does all the things he does - cleaning, laundry, mopping - and that 'guys like that are hard to find.' I agree. He was assertive enough to tell me that he wanted to help, and to get resentful right away when I started to mother him. Took us to an entirely new level of trust and respect, he did.
Both of us are committed to respecting the other person's wishes and helping each other out. If I really want Honeybunch to help me with the yardwork (something he abhors), he'll do it. And I'll mop the floors (my hated chore) if he's been working too many hours. If I ask him to do something, he does it, and vice versa. It amazes me when I hear of a husband ignoring his wife's request that he mow the grass or help with the kids - that's disrespect. No one should have to settle for that.
It took a lot of work for me to let go of the reins, I'll tell you. To let him fold the washcloths his way and to refrain from re-sweeping the kitchen before he mopped. Now though, it's much easier, and we can accept each other's faults more readily. He knows that I am never going to take my dishes straight to the dishwasher when I'm done eating; I know he'll never be the one to put the TP on the roll. We can live with those quirks. That's not to say I don't grumble when he won't help me in the yard or that he doesn't get upset when I forget to switch the clothes into the dryer, but we deal.
Last night during the chat, Honeybunch made dinner (he's very much the kind of guy whose only culinary speciality is the phone) - frozen veal patties and some Pasta-Roni. He was so proud, and I was grateful (since I didn't want to quit the chat to make dinner, although I was hungry and it was late). Today I'll make dinner - roast chicken - and he'll heap the same praise on me that I gave him last night.
So, what do you think? Do you all think I'm just lucky, or that good relationships don't just grow on trees?
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-08 10:13 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-06-08 10:22 am (UTC)I think he should get Jamie for ME! I <3 Jamie, must be the accent, lol!
Re:
Date: 2003-06-08 02:49 pm (UTC)I know what you mean by being through a lot though. It is true that it does make you stronger. When you have shared certain things then it does make you stronger.