(no subject)

[quidditchgrrl]

I was simultaneously reading some decent H/G (on Sink Into Your Eyes) and doing the Pumpkin Pie chat last night.

I believe in firmly straddling the shipping lines, that way I'll be right no matter what JKR does. :-D Not that I think she'll venture far enough into pairing the characters up to make it worthwhile or anything, but it's nice to speculate.

In the chat, we touched on a bit of a sore point with me - the reasoning that there 'are no good men out there'. I totally understand where angiej is coming from; she has a lot of cultural factors which impede her search for a good man exponentially.

It really annoys me when married women (and who, by and large, let me know that even though I've lived with Honeybunch for nearly 5 years, I know nothing about being married) rag on their husbands for not helping around the house, for not looking after the kids, what have you. And as I explain this, I'm not looking to place the burden completely on the woman's shoulders, but I think that women have to stand up for themselves, let go of the idea of parenting a spouse, and demand respect.

Seems that when a relationship gets to a domestic level (whether you get married or just move in together), women tend to completely take over the day-to-day upkeep of the house, and push the SO away from doing any work. He offers to help with straightening up; she tells him, "oh no honey, I can handle it," and he is sent back to the living room. He does the laundry; she takes him to task for not folding the towels correctly. He cleans the kitchen; she runs behind him and does it again, her way. Every time this happens, the guy feels rejected - his efforts are just not enough, or worse, portrayed as a hindrance instead of a help.

So he quits doing those things, and gets used to the idea of not doing. The cycle above is repeated with the kids - diaper changes, feedings, bathing, etc. - and he is again relegated to the couch. The woman sees this unwillingness to help and becomes resentful and snide. The cycle reinforces itself.

I am constantly told how lucky I am that Honeybunch does all the things he does - cleaning, laundry, mopping - and that 'guys like that are hard to find.' I agree. He was assertive enough to tell me that he wanted to help, and to get resentful right away when I started to mother him. Took us to an entirely new level of trust and respect, he did.

Both of us are committed to respecting the other person's wishes and helping each other out. If I really want Honeybunch to help me with the yardwork (something he abhors), he'll do it. And I'll mop the floors (my hated chore) if he's been working too many hours. If I ask him to do something, he does it, and vice versa. It amazes me when I hear of a husband ignoring his wife's request that he mow the grass or help with the kids - that's disrespect. No one should have to settle for that.

It took a lot of work for me to let go of the reins, I'll tell you. To let him fold the washcloths his way and to refrain from re-sweeping the kitchen before he mopped. Now though, it's much easier, and we can accept each other's faults more readily. He knows that I am never going to take my dishes straight to the dishwasher when I'm done eating; I know he'll never be the one to put the TP on the roll. We can live with those quirks. That's not to say I don't grumble when he won't help me in the yard or that he doesn't get upset when I forget to switch the clothes into the dryer, but we deal.

Last night during the chat, Honeybunch made dinner (he's very much the kind of guy whose only culinary speciality is the phone) - frozen veal patties and some Pasta-Roni. He was so proud, and I was grateful (since I didn't want to quit the chat to make dinner, although I was hungry and it was late). Today I'll make dinner - roast chicken - and he'll heap the same praise on me that I gave him last night.

So, what do you think? Do you all think I'm just lucky, or that good relationships don't just grow on trees?

Comments

[water-witch.livejournal.com]

I think you are both lucky and that good realtionships don't grow on trees. It is important to find a good man in the first place but speaking as someone who has 24 years with a wonderful man, you do have to work at it. Two things (apart from the obvious) are sharing and laughing together. If you can achieve both of those then you won't go far wrong. As for the cooking, you could always get him Jamie for Christmas!

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[quidditchgrrl.livejournal.com]

Yes, there has to be lots of sharing and laughing together. We've been through quite a lot in our 5 1/2 years together, and we're able to talk and laugh our way through most of it, and the rest we just resolve to get through.

I think he should get Jamie for ME! I <3 Jamie, must be the accent, lol!

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[water-witch.livejournal.com]

Get a grip girl. I meant Jamie the book not Jamie for real!

I know what you mean by being through a lot though. It is true that it does make you stronger. When you have shared certain things then it does make you stronger.

[nsmom.livejournal.com]

As someone who is perpetually single, when anyone finds someone to be with, I see that as some sort of miracle, but it seems like you are incredibly lucky.

Honeybunch definitely gets snaps up.

[schuywriter.livejournal.com]

I've been living with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years and I identify with what you're saying and see how I've been wrong in some cases. My boyfriend (what a weird word for what we are) does not really like doing housework and won't take the initiative in most cases. When he does I'm happy but you're right -- I do pick on how he could have done something better. he never does the bed "right". I like the bed made with everything tight, hospital corners, the bedspread even on all sides, and the throw pillows arranged *just so*. When he makes the bed it's very loose, haphazard and what I think is sloppy. I rag on him about that and finally he told me (after many bouts of arguing -- why couldn't he say this the first time?) that he doesn't like "the way it feels" when he gets into bed and the sheets and blankies are tightly tucked. He's a bit too tall for the bed, I guess. He's almost 6 foot 2. Maybe we need a California King.

He is making lunch now and he is a great cook. I do my share of it as well and we're balanced when it comes to cooking. He will 99% of the time cook without complaint. Neither one of us always puts things in the dishwasher after we eat, but I've been loading and unloading and washing the dishes a lot lately and doing all the laundry. I try to explain to him that on his days off (like today) if he plays his online game that's fine but guess what, the wash can be washing while he does it. And then it can be drying. And folding doesn'ttake very long. (I don't have a problem with him doing laundry at all. He folds everything just fine:)

(He just put a plate in front of me with a sandwich on it with chips on the side and said, "Soup will be coming." Isn't that sweet?:)

He's really good about taking care of the kitchen but when he is working a lot on certain weeks I do end up doing it, and he continually neglects the floor. He'll comment how it needs to be cleaned and I'll say yeah you shoudl do that, lol. But I have ended up doing the floor the last few times.

The one area that drives me crazy is the bathrooms. We only use one of the showers (we have two full baths but I don't use the guest bath because I don't wanna have to clean TWO bathrooms) and I'd LOVE it if he's get down with the scrubber and the CLR sometimes. He never does. I'd like him to scrub the toilets and he never does. I've asked him to, and well I guess he just either doesn't SEE it or decides to put it off for later, I dunno which. I'd just like some help with that.

You're right that relationships don't grow on trees and all these things are legitimate points. Who does what in the house -- we just try and strike a balance. Lately I've been doing more house stuff but I also try to remember that he's been working more hours and hasn't HAD the time at home to do it all, plus when he's home he does deserve a chance to rest and enjoy his online gaming and stuff. Lord knows I have my fanfic obsession and Live Journal and all.

Last night his mom called and told him his father has cancer, so he's going to fly out to CA to see him next week. I think it's best for me to stay here (in TX -- I'm not from TX, btw) and let him have time away from me and time with his dad and all. That plus I have a fear of flying he really doesn't need to deal with right now, and I have to work anyway.

I love my guy. :)

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[quidditchgrrl.livejournal.com]

We never discussed who would do what - it sort of fell to who was willing to do it when and why.

He typically does the laundry because he used to need his unform clothes washed more than once a week, and I only do the laundry once a week.

I do yard work because I like the yard to be spiffy. He hates to work outside. I do the hardware/maintenance stuff 'cause he tends to wreak havoc with power tools.

He will never clean the bathrooms. I know why and I can handle that. He'll steam clean the carpets.

This isn't to say we never argue about things - like when I clean the bathroom and three hours later there is hair EVERYWHERE - but I let go of the need to have things just so in favor of less work and more participation from him.

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[schuywriter.livejournal.com]

"three hours later there is hair EVERYWHERE"

Does that happen to you, TOO? Wow I thought I was the only one with that problem showing up in the bathroom.

(I have long hair so when my vaccum cleaner was acting funny I turned it over and found HUGE wads of hair in it. Oops. And the bf says "Well YOU insist on keeping your hair so long!")

[water-witch.livejournal.com]

Actually I read through this again when I was looking at other people's comments and it made me laugh when you said his culinary speciality is the phone. The Skipper's displacement activity is 'pages from Ceefax' with the rider that he is checking the dollar rates or share prices. He is of course lying and he is looking at motorsport news!