I hope you had the time of your life

[quidditchgrrl]

Seeing both madlorivoldmort's question about friend breakups and midnightcircle's post about hers, I decided to go ahead and post one of mine.

I'd considered doing it before, just to get it off my chest a little more, and try to bring about some closure for myself, if nothing else.



I met Mary when she joined Rainbow, when she was 12 and I was 16 or so.  We became fast friends despite the age gap (which, as we all know, is huge at this age) and saw each other as often as we could.  I was already a mover and shaker in Rainbow, and Mary tagged along with me and my friends.  She was small and cute and very intelligent, and everyone loved her.  I did too.

Mary rose quickly through the offices and everyone around the state knew her, in relation to me and my friends.  Many people thought that she was my younger sister (since my younger sister had no interest in state-level Rainbow politics, she never ventured far from home).

Mary, as it turned out, was/is a consummate manipulator.  She took a lot of people for a ride, and once she was well-known, it became clear she was/is a user.  I was her transportation & liasion to meet girls; our friend Ian was her liasion to meet guys.  She used her, "I'm little and cute, aren't I so cute?" routine to endear everyone to her.  It got her a lot of attention.  I certainly fell for it.

(To set something straight, I am not a person who likes the spotlight.  I wasn't angry or jealous about the attention she got.  She used me to get close to other people she felt were more influential/cooler/whatever, then when I was 'no longer of service', she dropped me.)

We were best friends, and went everywhere together once she was about 15 or so.  Receptions, Conclaves, Rainbow *everything*, movies, shopping.  I was amazed and gratified to have found someone who I felt understood me, truly.

Then she became Worthy Advisor (for those of you who don't know, the Worthy Advisor is the local leader of a Rainbow Assembly, and once you've served as WA, you are eligible for state-level appointments), and all of a sudden I was relegated to the role of "driver."  We still hung out quite a bit, but only when there were "influential" people around - i.e., people that I knew and she didn't and that she needed/wanted to know.  She started avoiding me during functions and clung to whoever was the poo-bah of the function we were attending.

I didn't see it coming, although other people who knew us at the time had figured it out.  No doubt I wouldn't have believed it anyway, if they'd mentioned it.  When my mom got sick (my mom was very well-known around the state for her country-style breakfasts, which she would fix when she woke up to a den full of DeMolay boys and a bedroom full of Rainbow Girls), I was feeling rather lonely and at loose ends.  I'd just "broken up" with a life-long friend, moved into a tiny one-bedroom apartment, and gotten this really bad news.  So, I decided to call Mary to tell her about my mom (she'd been diagnosed with emphysema).

The last words I ever heard from Mary as a friend, after I'd told her about my mother, were: "who cares about your problems?"  Needless to say, I was stunned.  I put the phone down and tried to sever every emotional tie I had with her.

Think that's the end?  Hardly.  I don't know what she told everyone else, but all of a sudden I wasn't getting a whole lot of phone calls from my friends, with no idea why.  I still don't know, and those folks will not tell me what Mary said to them.  They've either forgiven me, or figured out that what she said was at least not the whole truth, but I will never be wholly comfortable with those folks.  Some of them still hang out with Mary, and I see that they've crossed the wide gulf of mistrust with her, too.  We're all on opposite sides of the ocean, it seems.

A few months after our breakup, I got a phone call from one of the state youth leaders asking about Mary.  She had told her parents that she would be staying with me overnight, then attending a function the next day.  He was really upset, especially when I told him that I had not talked to Mary in months and that I had no idea where she was.  In reality, she had been at the apartment of some State DeMolay officers overnight (nothing untoward, I am positive, but I know that some of her travels had been curttailed when we broke up, since I wasn't her free chauffeur/chaperone anymore), and they'd gotten lost on the way to the function.  Like three hours late.  Two State Officers.  One underaged Rainbow Girl.  Yeah.

The worst thing, aside from her lying to her parents once, was that she lied to them again, and told them that *I* had suggested she tell them that she was staying with me so she could go and stay with the guys.  And she told many other people the same thing rather than admit that she had lied and made an error in judgment.  With Mary, it was always someone else's fault, or someone else's idea, if things didn't go well.  To be honest, I felt like I had truly failed - like I could have done something to make Mary a better person, or at least a person who didn't think of herself first, at all costs.  *snort*  Wrong.

Lucky for me, the advisor in question had known me for a long time, and knew I wouldn't lie (probably my surprise at his asking me about Mary, since most everyone knew that we were not friends anymore, said more than anything else).  Several other people defended me as well, some of them I would never have guessed would have my back.  However, my reputation took a big hit with advisors/parents.  Mary's reputation became a bit tarnished, too, especially with the guys & DeMolay advisors.  I aged out of the youth groups, and closed the door on a very painful part of my early adulthood. 

Lesson?  You should always listen to your mother - my mom never liked Mary, and my mom pretty much liked everyone she met.  I think she called her "shifty" at one point, and I dismissed it for whatever reason.  Sadly belated note to self:  always listen to your mother.

Mary and I see each other once in a while - I'm the Mother Advisor of her former Assembly, and she comes around when she has the inclination (or, in the cynical part of my mind, when there is something in it for her).  We run into each other at social outings when mutual friends meet, and I am again cynically glad to see that her relationships with them have really not matured into adult interaction.  She still acts like a child, and they still treat her like one.  Maybe she likes it that way, or maybe they like it that way.  I'm sure that more than one of us feels like we created this little monster, in some way.

(Boy, am I still bitter about this, although some of you reading this know that it's been stuck in my craw for a long time.  But every time I meet up with her, and see that she is still very immature and overtly manipulative, I let go of it a little more.  When she speaks to me, trying so hard to make up/smooth over/ingratiate herself with me, I know she's only doing it for herself.  She does not care about me.  I can be gracious and speak to her, acknowledge her, and know that she will probably always be shallow and self-centered, and that is perfectly okay.  I don't have to like or respect her.  I forgive her, but that doesn't mean I want to deal with her in any personal way, ever.  It's done.)



Wow, that was kind of cathartic.  I really need to buckle down and start writing in proper journal style.  I have subjects :

1 - My husband's bouts with parasomnia
2 - Growing up in Klan Kountry
3 - The other big breakup in my life
4 - My love-hate relationship with Chuck Klosterman
5 - Maintain a record of the books I've read, and my thoughts about them (woo, the excitement never ends here, eh?)
6 - Life as a reformed sociopath (i.e. why I never need wear a mask)

but then I doubt my expository style is conducive to anyone giving a damn about them.

I'm interested to read about people's best/close friend breakups.  Get it off your chest!

Comments

[lissannej.livejournal.com]

It's always hard to lose someone you thought was a good friend. I do have a story of my own, but it's not one I'm comfortable sharing in public because it still hurts. I'm happy to chat privately about it, though :-) Hugs for you about Mary, though.

[poconell.livejournal.com]

::Hugs::

I think friendship break-ups are more painful than romantic break-ups, because we invest so much of ourselves into them. I think I may write one of these too.

[instantramen]

When I was in seventh grade, there was this girl named Kim who'd been held back a year and nobody liked. At the time I was in the first of several "surely they're not as annoying as everyone says" years, so I hung out with her. By ninth grade, though, I'd finally started to realize that yes, she was that annoying. She complained about all sorts of things without actually trying to change anything and grated on my nerves so much, but rather than telling her to just suck it up I just stopped hanging out with her. I kind of feel bad about giving up, but I doubt she'd have accepted it if I'd tried to set her straight.

[blue-eye.livejournal.com]

Some day when I am not so hungover...

[zyll.livejournal.com]

But I *like* your expository style!

[midnightcircle.livejournal.com]

Hey hon-
If it helps you, then I'm glad you posted. I certainly understand, based on my own story.

I only met you once, but you seem like a lovely woman. There will always be users and abusers and manipulators out there. We just have to try to dodge them when we can, and survive them when we can't

[queenkatieett.livejournal.com]

I was totally gonna comment on the break-up, but then thoughts of your hating little Chucky Klosterman consumed me.

And then I got to number six on your list and went, "Whoa! I wish my mom was still alive to tell me things!"