quidditchgrrl | For archchancellor...

Well, let me give you an in-depth version of what we ladies endure at our annual exams, Damien. Read on at your own risk; I won't be providing iodine from this point on.

Just like you, we're placed in a cold examination room and made to strip down to our socks. Given an ill-fitting paper smock, we put it on and climb onto the high table, trying to make that damn thing fit around us enough to avoid flashing the entire office when the door is opened. I am of the opinion those things come in one size - Bare All. :P

The doctor comes in, polite small talk optional. While you're twisting around trying to hide your most pertinent bits, he/she begins the Litany of Personal Questions:

"How are your sugars?" (For me and the other diabetics)
"Any irregular bleeding?"
"Birth control still working okay?" (Well, I would have called earler if not!)
"Are you still with the same partner?" "Are you using barrier birth control?"
"Do you need an STD test?"
"Are you doing regular breast self-exams?"
ad infinitium

You swing into the stirrups to endure the exam. Oh, there is some math involved. Two rough examinations of each breast - I'm always afraid for the future performance of my milk ducts, since I have little padding to ward off those poking fingers. Ten gloved fingers giving the lower bits the once-over, then one internal bladder examination (and that ain't the G-spot, no sir).

Then comes the speculum. Counting stops here and praying begins. Slide it in and crank it open. Open until you feel like you're prepping for a scene with John Holmes. While you're trying not to beg for mercy and writhe in pain, the doctor inserts a little instrument that looks like a mascara wand, and scrubs your cervix to pick up cells. Another small device follows that, which scrapes cells from your cervix.

You'd think they'd be kind after all of this cruelty. But no, the doctor quickly unscrews the speculum and unscrews you so quickly you feel like your uterus might dislodge with the resulting suction. A quick removal of gloves, a few notes on the chart, and whoosh! The doctor has swept out the door. And you've given the desk an eyeful because you've forgotten your oh-so-modest attire.

So yeah, I'll trade your few seconds of discomfort. :D

You know I loff you Damien! >:D< But you just can't work the reverse male theory in this venue. We women have cornered the market for physical suffering.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Have you ever gotten the "Well it looks like you have a cyst here on your cervix blah blah blah...I just think I will take it off."

I swear to goodness she took that sucker off with a pair of hedge clippers. I thought I was going to start hemorraging. Ergggh.

Oh yeah...and we get the fingers up the butt too. They do that every once in a while.

Dude, I had to have that particular procedure! I had abnormal cells 'clipped' off, and oh yes, it was a joy. Thought I would pass out from the pain, and the black gunk they used to control the bleeding, that was the icing on the cake. :P

I didn't have the black gunk. They just let me sit and feel like I had a sharp stake inside my womb. Argh.

I never said I was winging about the exam I was embarresd about it.

And the above dose not bother me because in my job I have delt with much more painfull stuff than that. Somtimes from the odd nutter who thinks stabbing me is a good idea.

But as you said women do get a rough deal in physical suffering from the hands of a doctors. But I could tell you some stories about a murder case we had last year that will turn your stomac upside down faster than a rollercoster.

Doubtful on the gore, actually. My dream job is mass disaster recovery.

I do hate seeing defense wounds, however. I'd toured the morgue during school and we viewed a boy who'd drowned in a reservoir. It would have been fine except for his broken fingernails and the dirt embedded in his hands. :-(

defense wounds? Yes they are a bit of a kicker. Going down to the morgue is a bit of fun because our local ME is a complete loonly.

Oh yes, such fun. (Not.) Ya know the first time I had sex didn't hurt at all. (Well not much anyway.) The first time I had a gynecological exam (which was AFTER I lost my virginity) hurt like Hell.

Go figure. It's that slide it in, crank it open part that got me. OHMYFUCKINGGODIWANTTODIE ... and I ask you ... where is the dignity spread out like that. I always wanna ask the doctor, "Since you're so knowledgable abotu me now ... tell me a bit about yourself ... something truly deep and EMBARASSSING!"

Heh.

But ya gotta admit, Damien's entry was funny as Hell. :D

Damian not with e. That is the 666 omen thing.

Well I am glad I made you smile.

Sorry! I did have you pegged as rather devilish however. ]:-)

Naughty woman. :)

Oh yes, it was hilarious, that's why I decided to post one from our POV. :)

You know, there was a reason I was avoiding this.....

Next week is going to suck

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Eh, it's only bad for a couple of minutes. Beats having undiagnosed PID or cysts though.

But er, sorry you had to read this just before heading to the gyno. Good luck :-P

gah! *shudder*

This totally reminds me why my doctor only schedules me every OTHER year... talk about complete panic attack, to the point of dry-heaving, because I hate these exams so much. Hubby has to go with me, and stay there during the whole exam holding my hand (read: letting me crush the fragile bones in his hand) and reminding me how to breathe, or I hyperventilate. (How I managed before I got married is beyond me!)

And I have the best damn "female doctor", too... she's very patient and understanding, so it's slightly less humiliating... (and she runs warm water over the instruments before using them on me) but goddamn... I hate being female because of that mandatory "examination".

And those paper smocks... ugh. At least I also get a big "sheet" made out of the same plasticy-paker as the smocks, to cover my lap and legs...

This is why I haven't gone in a few years. I know. Me so bad. The only thing worse is going in for a lap. There are about 6 people in the room and modesty is not an option. You're laying on this thin slab as you get introduced to everybody..."and this is so-and-so" and "so and so is over there..." I thought that they had sold tickets. The only good thing is that they put you out for that.

~Blue~

For archchancellor...

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Those female exams...